Getting through the teenage years is never easy, but I didn’t think it would be this rough. My daughter was one of the “good” kids … never getting in trouble at school, a good group of friends, didn’t fight about going to church … she seemed to be a pretty happy kid.
So when I noticed her friends weren’t hanging around as much and she was acting moody, I just chalked it up to hormones. She was sleeping a lot more and would launch into angry outbursts with no warning or obvious cause. Showers started taking longer and she began locking her bedroom door. I assumed it was just more of the teenage stuff.
That’s when I saw the marks … and my heart stopped. My good kid had been cutting herself. When I confronted her, she ran into her room and locked the door again. The more I tried to talk to her, the more she denied everything and yelled about how unfairly I was treating her. I had no idea what to do, and like most parents, I blamed myself. I had no idea why she was cutting, but I’m sure I had failed her in some way.
I knew a counselor at Care to Change, and I asked for her advice. She talked me through the steps I needed to take to protect my girl, coached me on asking the difficult questions, and make sure I knew how to respond in ways that would help instead of cause more problems. She also helped me find the courage to start that conversation … and it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent.
She also made it clear I hadn’t done anything wrong. The counselor told me all teens have something in common. They’re trying to figure themselves out at the same time they’re trying to manage everyone’s expectations, friendships, school, even dating and things like learning how to drive. We shouldn’t be surprised when they become overwhelmed. My daughter told me she cut herself because it relieved the stress. I can’t say I understand that from a practical perspective, but now that I’ve learned more about the biology behind anxiety, it makes more sense.
As a mom, I was determined to help without trying to take over her life. I wanted to make sure she was safe and hoped she’d learn better ways to cope with all the things that were making her feel anxious and uncomfortable. She started counseling, and I had to learn to trust both her and the counselor because I didn’t get to sit in on their sessions. It wasn’t very long before we started having productive conversations. She was less afraid of telling me things, and I had learned not to tell her what she should do. A parent’s job is to provide safe spaces so the kids can learn how to make choices. Sometimes that means simply listening without immediately offering advice.
If your child is cutting or showing other signs of self-harm, don’t brush it aside as normal teenage stuff or blame yourself. It’s a symptom of deeper issues, and finding the right counselor can help them — and you — get through the challenges in more positive and productive ways.
